The Paradox of Marriage

These are some thoughts from a newlywed.

I’ve been married for about a month or two, depending on which date you would like to adhere to. In that short time, I’ve been putting the pieces of our relationship together, the pieces from the past year or so. As I fiddle and compare, I’m hoping for a simple pattern that might help me live my marriage well.

This half year left in Chengdu, is there no more important mission or goal than the building of a strong and healthy foundation between Christine and I for the rest of our lives?

Why do I feel more lost and aimless than I ever have in my life? Is it because of the so-called quarter life crisis? Is it because of the challenge of applying ideals to reality? Here I sit, dissecting my heart to search for small clues to the little anxieties that have followed me to this relaxed, tea-sipping, urban sprawl.

An obsession with productivity multiplied by gender defined expectation to provide for my family. I define productivity as something done to benefit and serve others. This definition does not include myself. This is a problem. I’ve always ignored myself in favor of projects and relationships that would be more “productive.” Here, I’ve been challenged to take a good look at myself, just me.

For my first half year, instead of facing up to this challenge of facing myself, I’ve frantically distributed myself all over the city in an attempt to be productive. I’ve given a few lectures, done amateur graphic and video design for Mercy Corps, taught English to snobby elementary school students, arranged a disorganized short term trips, researched Hua Mei’s structure and influence for a inconclusive research paper, familiarized myself with the state of the 3-self in Sichuan, gotten a fly-by view of Chinese philosophy and development, finished my Wheaton Intercultural Masters (for what its worth?).

Not bad, but not good. I’m a bit disappointed in myself. The time could have been spent better, though it certainly wasn’t wasted. Ironically, the time could probably have been better spent being less “productive” and more on myself.

Above all those little things, of course, is marriage. In the last half year, I got ready and got married to the love of my life in two weddings filled with surprises, drama, and joy.

And she is the reason I’m here, more than any job, project, or experience that I can find, muster, or hope for. It’s the first time, ever in my life, I’ve made such a drastic, last-minute, choice in relation to another with so little direction or preparation of my own. I came to Sichuan, first and foremost, for her. And by being here first, for her, I suppose it makes sense that I’ve had trouble with finding something for myself.

In the past, I’ve always been independent. I’ve been my own person who makes my own decisions for my own ideas. I got to go where I wanted for reasons I selected. No longer will this ever be true again. Marriage changes the very foundation of how life is to be lived. Coming to Sichuan has been a physical embodiment of that commitment.

Since getting here I’ve been trying to figure out what else to do.

But in the final analysis, that’s not such a bad reason to show off. I’m here in Chengdu, Sichuan for the year to support and love my wife. I’m pretty proud of that.

This is my first lesson. It shall never be a waste of time to drop everything else to love and serve your wife.

I love my wife. I’m learning to love her more and more.

And.. . I think Christine is right, God put me here to get my eyes off everything else and to put them on myself, unashamedly and for the first time in many, many years.

There is a great deal of irony in all this. I came to Chengdu for her, but also for me in a way I never would have thought of myself. It is so interesting that the latter has become far more difficult than the first. I have no problem supporting her in her being here, it’s supporting myself away from the trappings of productivity that have been my trouble.

Marriage is like that. We get a lot more in our giving than we would have thought, though the receiving is not always as easy or pleasant as we would have liked to imagine.

I may have been “independent” before meeting Christine, but my life was filled with goals and projects of an “external” nature, responding forever to the needs that were set before me, instead of listening to my heart.

Now, since meeting Christine and giving her my heart and commitment, I’ve ended up in a new place void of commitments to anything else. It’s been uncomfortable as hell, leading to my first half year of hodge-podge activities. I needed the external to give me a sense of worth and value.

I don’t know if any of this is making sense, but in my heart it is.

Following her here to Sichuan has been an opportunity to stop and become more of who I am, in relation to my life partner, and my God alone without any external trappings to distract me.

In serving my wife, God has given me an unparalleled chance to take care of myself: a real sabbatical. Unfortunately, I came up with the distractions myself because life was so uncomfortable without them.

I hope to make better use of my time this early 2009.

On another note... something on intimacy.

I’ve always had trouble with this. Whether it’s been inappropriate disclosure or walled up feelings, I’ve never had a good time of it. In these first few weeks of married life, I’ve had the challenge of revealing my heart to her.

I am doing it in a way I always have. Little pieces here and there, and waiting to see what kind of response I get. If it’s a safe, positive response, I’m encouraged to open up more. If it’s critical or harsh, I clam up a little more.

A good marriage is built on intimacy more than any other concept for out of it flows honesty, trust, humility, and interdependence.

Let me conquer my fears and let her into my heart, whatever the outcome may be. Let there be honesty in my words instead of worry. Let there be trust in her love instead of fear of her wrath. Let there be humility to listen instead of defensiveness. Let us grow to depend on one another in such a way we could never really be apart.

Scary... but the pay off is heaven itself, revealed in the tense space between our love and dependence for and in one another.

Dearest Lord, let us love and support one another the way we ought to under the example you have set before us in word and deed. In doing so, let us shine the light of your love in its truest and purest form. The love between a man and woman as love between God and Humanity, Heaven and Earth.