How did I forget how to pray?

How did I forget how to pray?

There was a time when such words flowed honestly and easily from my lips the way a baby so naturally might suckle their mother's breast. Just as young buds bloom toward the sun, so did my youthful soul blossom to the light above me.

Breathing in, deep groans in my gut would swirl with the fresh air from my lungs. My heart would empty its deepest concerns and joys into this steady river of questions and wonder. The Spirit of God hovered within me, forming words from dirt, blood, tears, laughter, more dirt, more worry, more joy. They culminated at the tips of my lips, jumping off to catch the holy winds that carried them to heaven.

It had all come so naturally.

Where the words went for sure, I did not know, but I knew they were heard. I never doubted these soulful pieces of my being could touch the ears of God.

Occasionally, the Lord was even gracious enough to audibly whisper in my own ear.

I was so assured, secure, and engaged.

Jesus Christ,

He is still so good to me.

I know He loves me so.

But I no longer am so clear

of "who" He is.. .

He is love, the way, the truth, the light. So much light, it blinds us. He is real, can be felt but not touched. He is present, hiding between atoms, electrons, and quarks. He is always. Look carefully. He is... she... it... is somehow near, above me, below me. Woven through the fabric of reality. Ordered by the words He laid upon the mind of His servants. So many servants, with endless imaginations. Limited by no one and everyone. Sought after, found, lost, like a small fish forever slipping through my fingers.

.. ?

The levees have broken, the rivers have flooded, and the possibilities of God are so much greater than I had ever imagined them to be.

I am drowning.

The holy winds no longer blow with the same direction and purpose they once did. Instead, they rage over the waters, fiercely carrying my broken thoughts and unsaid emotion to what appears to be no particular destination. Like ocean waves crashing against jagged rocks, sending up splashes and foam, so do my thoughts, emotions, and wonder scatter when thrust upon the walls of heaven.

Though I cannot control or comprehend,

I still feel.. .

heard

.. .

carrying me,

somewhere.

I shall never know the whole truth. I shall never find every word for every piece of this mighty mystery. Some things will be forever left unsaid.

I have been humbled

I am uncertain

I am ready to receive again

If only I could pray again...

Everyday.. .

Lord, grant that I may always allow myself to be guided by you, always follow your plans, and perfectly accomplish your holy will. Grant that in all things, great and small, today and all the days of my life, I may do whatever you require of me. Help me respond to the slightest prompting of your grace, so that I may be your trustworthy instrument for your honor. May your will be done in time and in eternity by me, in me, and through me. Amen.

A prayer of St. Teresa de Avila (1515-1582)